Sunday, November 26, 2006

"The Spiritual Dangers of Masturbation"

Scrolling through right-wingnut message board "Free Dominion", this subject jumped out at me: "Why pro-life parents should avoid Dr. James Dobson". What?! Normally these knuckledragging sheep would chase Dobson off the edge of a cliff. But whoa, not so fast: Dobson, it seems, condones masturbation.

FD poster Gratian Gasparri somehow unearthed an old treatise detailing Dobson's views on the vile act of meatbeating, entitled (and I am not making this up): "A Bone To Pick With Dr. Dobson". Poster GG is outraged that Dobson's freakishly conservative views on all things sexual don't extend to choking the chicken, which he apparently sees as bad, but not totally evil. JD explains that there are often good intentions behind the failure to be Master of one's Domain:

"They promise a thousand times with great sincerity never again to commit this despicable act. Then a week or two passes, or perhaps several months. Eventually, the hormonal pressure accumulates until nearly every waking moment reverberates with sexual desire. Finally, in a moment (and I do mean a moment) of weakness, it happens again." (Lather, rinse, jerk off, repeat.)

GG is so overwrought by Dobson's lax masturbatory attitude that he himself might benefit from a quick pound of the hound; clearly all that stored-up semen is backing up into his brain. Instead, he posts this FD poll: "Have you talked to your children - or do you intend to talk to your children when they reach the proper age - about the spiritual dangers of masturbation?" The options: "yes" (31%), "no" (63%), and "I'm not pro-life"(???) 5%. Then he gets to the meat of the matter:
"As a former sex education teacher, who even used the Focus on the Family video regarding safe sex as being a lie for those engaging in premarital sex, I think his attitude on masturbation is troubling and to say the least gravely immoral."

So Dobson likes to flog the dog, so what. It might be one of the only things about him that's even remotely normal. What shocked me was GG's first sentence, "As a former sex education teacher..." This guy was a sex-ed teacher? Where, Taliban-era Afghanistan? Imagine the curriculum: "Just don't do it. Class dismissed." Which once again illustrates the danger that lurks behind the dumb and the completely fucking ridiculous.

Class dismissed, keep those hands where we can see them.