Sunday, September 09, 2007

Ready for Freddie

Fred Thompson. What a friggin dullard this guy is. After months of endlessly fucking around, last week he finally announced his candidacy for the GOP presidential nomination (on the Leno Show no less, because everyone knows how much conservatives just looooove Hollywood). Fred seems to be running as a social conservative, having already fired off a few "baby-killing"-type comments about abortion... although this could be damage control following his red-handed pinch for the lucrative pro-choice lobbying he did in the 90's.

A lot of people are delighted that Fred's thrown his hat in, and I am one of them, though for different reasons. Just from what I've seen over the last few months, I expect that Fred will be a Comedy Gold Motherlode, and I look forward to mining it. Just a few nuggets he's upchucked in the last couple of days:

Fred on Osama (ooh! sounds like fun!): This is a two-parter. 1(a) OBL is dick squat, just a symbol... aaaaaannnd: 1(b) OBL is dangerous. KILL HIM! KILL 'EM ALL!!!

Fred on Iraqis coming to US side: the reason so many Iraqis are joining the US side in the battle (they are?) is because al qaeda told them to quit smoking. Huh? Huh!? Huh?!? Does that even make sense?! Huh?!!

Fred on Iraq War: Freddie's one of the 26% of mental defectives who thinks the Iraq War was the right thing to do. Now we know what they look like.

Fred on withdrawing from Iraq
: Fwomp! The whole middle east turns into a big sheet of glass.

Fred on dissent: Freddie don't like dissent, which is too bad because it's kind of central to democracy but Oh Well. Freddie says "Dissent makes us weak and carries a heavy price". Oh really? And what might that be?:

"If you're politically committed against this war and to do something to further harm the president, the way the Democrats seem to be in Congress, then anything [in the Petraeus Report] that's a mixed message is going to be seized upon in a negative way," Thompson told Fox News on Thursday. "If we look weak and divided in this country, we're going to pay a heavy price for it in the future," he went on."

A price so heavy that it defies description, I guess. Didn't the Bushies say that same kind of thing in 2004, not the "price" but something like it... oh yeah, "The Stakes". A commercial so scary that everyone just about died laughing when they saw it on the GOP website. So now it's "The Price". Nice to see Freddie following in Georgie's footsteps, and in more ways than one. Fred's being spun as a good old down-home aw shucks kind of guy... the kind of guy you'd like to have a beer with. And apparently, he just isn't very bright. He sounds... My God!! He sounds just like Georgie! Oh no: meet the new simpleton, just like the old simpleton!

And that's just the beginning, the comedy gold has only just started rolling up from the mine. Sadly, I don't expect Freddie to last very long: 3 months maybe? His so-con credentials are already tarnished, and he's spent a lot of time in that bastion of Moral Values, Hollywood. It's only a matter of time til a few more skeletons boogie out of the closet, and that'll be that. At least I hope so. If another guy as dumb as Georgie gets elected, we are fucked sideways.