Saturday, September 08, 2007

Spamming the Rapture

For awhile now religious whackoids have been preparing for The Big One, Operation Upsuck, when they'll be swept up out of wherever they happen to be and into the Great Beyond. Dinners left to burn in hot ovens will set houses ablaze, cars suddenly emptied of drivers will careen off the road into hydro poles and take out entire power grids, banks will go broke as a million mortgages and loans suddenly go into default... that'll be the real hell of being Left Behind, having to clean up the mess caused by the Rapture.

However, thanks to good old fundie ingenuity, the Raptured may still be able to communicate with us (yes, "us" -- I'll go out on a limb and assume I'll be Left Behind). Get ready for it: spam from heaven, "Rapture Letters"!!!

"After the rapture, there will be a lot of speculation as to why millions of people have just disappeared. Unfortunately, after the rapture, only non believers will be left to come up with answers. You probably have family and friends that you have witnessed to and they just won't listen. After the rapture they probably will, but who will tell them? We have written a computer program to do just that. It will send an Electronic Message (e-mail) to whomever you want after the rapture has taken place, and you and I have been taken to heaven.

How is this accomplished, you might ask. It's a dead man switch that will automatically send the emails when it is not reset.

If you wish to do something now that will help your unbelieving friends and family after the rapture, you need to add those persons email address to our database. Their names will be stored indefinitely and a letter will be sent out to each of them on the first Friday after the rapture. Then they will receive another letter every friday after that.

This rapture letter service is FREE and will hopefully gain the person you send it to an eternity in heaven."

Seriously! And here's the official Rapture Letter that the earth-bound heathens will receive. And all for the lowlow price of... Free!!??! Woohoo!

The terrible and twisted trust is that it probably wouldn't matter if it was free -- there are nutters out there who'd likely pay for it. In fact, it wouldn't surprise me at all if "Rapture Letters", the outfit behind the heavenly spam, is offering it free gratis in order to guage the demand. Then if interest is high enough, they could launch "Premium Rapture Letters" which for a small fee would offer a wider selection of letter style and content, maybe even animated smilies. Hahahaha! PT Barnum proven right, once again!

(H/T I Blame The Patriarchy)