Sunday, November 12, 2006

The Silence of the Lame

Last week was spectacular right from the start. I wouldn't have thought a week that starts off with odious evangelical wingnut Ted Haggard confessing to getting tweaked and tooled regularly by a hunky male escort could get any better. But did it ever! In addition to revelling in some excellent Haggard schadenfreude ("Meth and man-ass on a Sunday morning") we got to celebrate the fact that our southern neighbours finally gave the boot to the lying, corrupt, incompetent fear-mongering bastards that have been driving their country into the ditch for the last 6 years. One by one, the scumbags fell: Santorum, gone! Rumsfeld, gone! Mehlman, gone! Georgie stammered and stuttered through a press conference that clearly showed how petrified he is at the prospect of dealing with Nancy Pelosi as house speaker, only 2 impeachments away from his job. Finally came the news that Rummy may be charged with war crimes in Germany. Oh. My. God. It was a good week for progressives.

Oddly, apart from a little grumbling and snarling, there hasn't been that much noise from right-wing cheerleaders since the election. Normally they're shrieking and squawking at every real or imagined outrage from the cut-and-running, latte-drinking, pot-smoking, gay-marrying liberals. This week, they've been strangely subdued. Could it be that all their heads simultaneously exploded at about 11pm on Tuesday night, leaving nothing but the charred remains of their quasi-functional brain stems smoldering on their shoulders?

Rush Limbaugh for example. For weeks, Limbaugh's been jabbering like a gerbil stuck in a fat man's ass-cheeks that the democrats were losers, they'd be crushed, killed and exterminated by the GOP. Wednesday morning, he admitted to his audience that all his bluster was bullshit, and said he felt "liberated" that he no longer had to be "the water-carrier for people who don't deserve to have their water carried". But he qualified that as bad as the GOP are, they're still slightly better than the Democrats. The GOP's problem, he arfed, was that they'd drifted too far to the left. Kind of like Rush's mind has drifted too far to the -- away.

Ann Coulter had a similar implosion. She snarled that the Democrats had probably stolen the election, and anyway, because they should have actually won by much more than they did, they really lost, making the Republicans the real winners. In that coke-fried little pretzel rattling around in Coulter's cracked skull that actually makes sense, and the fact that it's completely at odds with reality is business as usual in Annie-Land. An intervention can't come too soon, if she has any friends.

And so it went with O'Reilly, Malkin and the rest of the goofy-ass right-wing blowhards. Their rationales were hilarious: the election was either stolen, or a victory for conservatism, or inconsequential because the majority the Democrats won was so small. (Sort of like the majority the Republicans won in 2004.) Some of our wannabe-American Canadian whingers griped and whimpered a little over the election, but what they were really interested in was DNC Chairman Howard Dean -- how dare he come to Canada and give a speech at the Liberal leadership convention? What could he possibly have to say to the Liberals? Under Dean's direction, the Democrats just took back congress and put the boots to the GOP. So hopefully the wingnuts will find out soon enough, like maybe in April or May, what Dean had to say.